On cats and the grieving process

Cats mourn, just like hoomans: a reader question

Hello, treasures,

This issue, I want to talk a little bit about cats and mourning. Humans that have never lived with cats can mischaracterize cats as being cold and distant, and even those of us who are bananas for our cats are known to jokingly refer to ourselves as our kitties' staff or butlers. But, this stereotype just isn't true. Cats bond closely to their humans, and to the other cats with whom they are closely associated (a household, littermates, etc.). And when a cat or person leaves or dies, the cats who were bonded to them definitely feel that absence, and, like humans, will demonstrate their grief in a plethora of ways and need loving support through their mourning.

We recently got a very moving reader question on this topic, so I also want to include it:

My question: is there anything more I can do to comfort my 2 sibling cats who lost their brother unexpectedly in September? They still cry daily. We were not able to have them there when he died.

We use Feliway Optimum, play with them, they get hours of snuggles daily. They get dry and wet food and treats and have 2 cat trees, one with a bird feeder view. Their brother was their blood brother and they were bottle fed, always together. Their brother was their protector and snuggled them lots.

The Feliway is really helping our third cat (which is significant as the vet was recommending Prozac as she was licking her legs bare), but not seeming to be much of a change for the siblings. The 3 were just more bonded than any I’ve ever seen.

Thank you.

Oh, dear reader, it sounds like you have been doing everything you can and should do. It's unusual, but not unheard of, for cat grief over the loss of both a littermate and a housemate to sustain over many months. Cats move on their own timelines, so while it's unexpected that they'd still be grieving after nearly six months, it can and does happen.

It doesn't surprise me that the Feliway isn't helping the two grieving cats, but is helping the third with obsessive licking -- the pheromones in Feliway are geared more towards relaxing anxious cats who act out by self "harming" (like buffing away their own fur) or cats who redirect anxiety into aggression. But there's no research that says it helps with difficult and complex emotions, like stress and grief. 

It also sounds like all your cats have a varied diet, an enriching environment, and adequate attention, so there probably isn't some other underlying factor driving their crying and sadness aside from grief -- and, of course, change. As much as they miss their brother, they are also missing the schedules and routines they had with him. 

It seems morbid, but it is helpful when cats are able to see and smell their dying -- or deceased -- family member (human or other animal). Studies have shown that this does seem to help cats comprehend what is and will be happening. But, that isn't always possible, like in this case. So, in essence, your bonded cats are going to feel their sadness, confusion, and loss -- until they don't. 

Which will happen on their own time.

Because, cats. And grief. They won't be rushed. In 1996, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ Companion Animal Mourning Project studied the grief of companion animals when they lost a bonded human or another companion. Their study determined the median time frame for active grief was 6 months. So, your littles are well within the expected duration.

You mentioned your vet mentioned medication (though not for the grieving cats). I don't think it is a bad idea to discuss, if you find that the two cats' grief is just not subsiding at all. There are antidepressants that are extremely effective, really well-tolerated, and inexpensive these days for cats (frequently, similar or same as what we humans take). If they are losing weight, or some other behavior that is worrisome for their health, then adding medication, even for a short time, may be helpful for them. My guy, Robert, takes cat Prozac for PTSD -- different, obvs than mourning -- but I can attest that meds can have positive effects. 

Some folks will recommend to you that you should get another cat, and that'll distract your widowed fam. While I certainly would never tell you not to get another cat, if you want and have the resources, I do not recommend getting one for the sole purpose of knocking your current cats out of mourning. Adding a new face can be as stressful as losing a long-familiar one. They'll adjust, of course, with slow, careful introductions. But know, getting another cat is for you, not for them.

I wish you and your kitty fam much love and healing. 

Note: I'm not a medical professional. As always, you know your cat best. Follow your common sense and consult with your veterinarian. If you need low-cost veterinary services, the Humane Society has some options, but you can always call 211 for your area (in the US) to find out about clinics near you.

Love, Ren, Robert, and Paul, the Clowder Room